It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
