You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
