in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Pants are for mortals
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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