I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize