i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
