I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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