***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
