I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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