Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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