I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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