An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
