I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
