when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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