I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
