I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Of course I have a pirate flag
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
