a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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