Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
