I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
