someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
