remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
