Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
