party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
