This is not my ceiling
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
