So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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