I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
