Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
