hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
