She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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