I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
