I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
