toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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