I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
