I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
