Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
