I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
