her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
