This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I cannot find my penis.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
