Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
