You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
