i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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