Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
