dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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