I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
