I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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