Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
