Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
