I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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