I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
