why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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