when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
