did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
