Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
